The Pillbox
Smiling Rust By Janie Cao Edited by Mary Abramczuk
My grandpa used to be a particular quirky smile. He was once a certain amused sigh. But nowadays, at visits I pay He’s a bag of dust— hidden behind marble and rust. On those days, I am truly glad That I believe in more than what passes the eye. ----------------------------- Photo credit:lavagirl66
The Dying Man
Written by Janie Cao
Edited by Mary Abramczuk
A few years ago, I spent half my day with a dying man. I remember these things about him: his name, his past profession, and that he was dying alone. I never saw his résumé, the size of his house, or how much money was left in his bank account. I was not curious to know, either. But I bet they seemed significant once upon a time, at a dinner party, maybe. He worked as an engineer. On that day—the day he died—no one who had cared about those things was there. I was a stranger, yet I saw his last breaths. It was a curious day. This world teaches us to do many things. To set goals (S.M.A.R.T ones, in fact) and to meet them. To maximize profit and minimize loss, and to use other people, to our advantage. We learn to build storage houses and efficiently fill them with glorified trash; to talk like we matter, and live like it, too. Someday, we will all be that dying man. Not fully here, and not quite there; mere wisps of breath. When that day comes, will this world be at your bedside? Sometimes, I wonder. ----- Dedicated to a friend: May you find what you are searching for. Photo credit: Jörg Lange
My grandmother was a strong and compassionate Egyptian woman, a mother of three, and a pathologist. On a glass slide, exactly like the ones she used daily, cells from her colon biopsy were identified as undifferentiated, and within days she was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer.
Although I am learning how to care for people in sickness and health, someday, the chest compressions will be applied to my chest. Disease knows no discrimination, and death unites us all. Thousands of cancer diagnoses and precise and growing knowledge of cancer cell types did nothing to protect my grandmother from that which she knew so much about.
In Egypt, cancer is called ’the bad disease’, and bad it is. Over the next couple months, we watched as the bad disease took our beloved grandmother away from us. During that time, my family members, and my grandmother, had to make a series of challenging decisions that they were very obviously not prepared to make.
Medical advancements, although the main reason we are living longer lives, have caused the complexity and variety of end-of-life decisions to be ever increasing. Uneasy about the series of decisions that my family had to make and handicapped by my ignorance, I found myself reading Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. Atul Gawande led me through a vulnerable and imperfect but inspiring conversation about death and dying, exposing our medical system’s inability to understand health beyond the one-dimensional, and presumptuously noble, endeavor to prolong life at any cost.
While reading Being Mortal, I found myself enthusiastically nodding along, agreeing with the theme of the book: we need to change everything about our simple but destructive approach to aging and our increasing elderly population. Our singular approach to prolonging life simplifies complex social and medical decisions. It seems the attitude now is that longer life is all that matters. Ensuring nutrition and shelter is our only standard for a viable living environment for the elderly. We are failing our parents and grandparents.
Atul Gawande’s presentation of ideas changed how I perceive aging and our healthcare decisions at the end of life. I became a strong advocate of having conversations about the inevitability of our death and the choices we want to be made during our end-of-life care. I was convinced that society and healthcare should ensure that the elderly remain the authors of their own stories for as long as they are willing, and actively empower them to do so. Nutrition, shelter, and minimizing fall risk are minimums of care, not acceptable standards.
The Literature in Medicine Student Interest Group at my school decided to read Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal, and I could not be more excited. In the middle of our meeting discussing the book, as I was passionately sharing my ideas, it occurred to me that although I was full of strong opinions, I had done absolutely nothing to be a part of the solution. My grandfather had come to live with us after his wife of 55 years, my grandmother, passed away from colon cancer, and my only roles/concerns in his care have been to ensure food, sleep, and meds. My strong opinions had not inspired my actions.
Nodding along to Atul Gawande’s criticisms of our medical system is easy, but having an honest conversation with my grandfather about his priorities and end-of-life care preferences as he reaches 90 years of age is not so easy. How might I empower my grandfather to continue to be the author of his story? Believing that healthcare is a right and not a privilege is easy, but carrying out the responsibility that this belief invokes is not so easy. How might I work to help provide all my neighbors with equal access to high-quality care? Practicing the invaluable intervention of presence is not easy, and working day after day to hone my abilities at the art of empathy is not easy. How might I overcome my doubts, fears, and insecurities, and avoid being frozen into lack of compassion?
Too often my strong opinions do not inform my actions. Too often my hate for dysfunctional and unjust systems overshadows my love for the people in the systems. I call myself to love my neighbors more than hate the systems, for love is actionable and hate is stifling and tiresome. Let love fuel the tank, for compassion-based activism is the only kind that goes the distance.
Photo Credit: Dan Strange
The man in scrubs stands in the middle of the room. He has a blood-filled syringe in one hand and hand-written lab notes on the back of an envelope in another. He scans the room, looking for someone or something. I follow his gaze. A young man is curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking himself back and forth while groaning in pain (gangrenous wound on leg). A man is throwing all his weight on his wife and yelling in pain (renal colic). A woman is holding a piece of red, soaked gauze tightly on the hand of her screaming 7-year-old son (amputated finger). An older woman in a wheelchair is drooling from one side of her mouth and has a drooping shoulder (stroke). A young man, handcuffed to a police officer, has circular marks around his neck and blood dripping from his mouth (suicide attempt with hanging and ingesting barbed wire). A young woman sits limply in a wheelchair, eyes rolled back, and blood on her clothes between her legs (severe anemia – abortion days prior). In this room no bigger than my mother’s walk-in closet, the suffering is palpable and audible, but the man in scrubs does not find what he is looking for, and begins to walk out. Before he reaches the door, an unconscious man is carried in to the room (antifreeze ingestion). Without missing a step, he reaches over and gives the man a rough sternal rub to wake him up, to no avail. He exits the room.
The man in scrubs is the sole medical resident in charge of the stabilization and triage of incoming patients at this Emergency Department situated in a Low and Middle Income country. As a visiting medical student, I am wearing a white coat, and although I should fit in, my general ignorance about the majority of relevant things makes me feel like an imposter. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be wearing this white coat.
‘You! You can help me!’ exclaims a woman in a wheelchair as she reaches towards me. Her face is covered, but somehow I know that she is in pain. Reluctantly, and with as much grace as a fish on land, I walk towards her. I walk towards her knowing that the only care I can provide is a hug, a tear, or a smile; the only prescription I can write is a kind word, and the only order I can put in is a prayer to the heavens.
I came to medical school to gain the skills that I need to better care for my neighbors, to share moments of humanity, of suffering and healing with my neighbors, to be meaningfully curious – to ask and answer questions that benefit my neighbors and our community, and to use medicine as a platform to implement meaningful social change. The irony is, I see none of that now; all I can do is stand defeated as I watch my neighbors suffer. I watch because I don’t have the money to cover the 15 pounds admission fee for every patient that is turned away at the door of the ED. I watch because I don’t know whether that comatose child who was just intubated is in trouble because his stomach is inflating instead of his lungs. I watch because I don’t know if that medical student just injured that woman’s radial nerve while trying to get an arterial blood sample.
With tears in my eyes, I fumble out of my white coat and head for the exit. I’m done watching, I tell myself. I’m done watching and I’m ready to learn. I’m ready to learn how to care for the suffering. I’m ready to be a part of the change I want to see in the world. As the door of the ED closed behind me, I managed to catch a final peek of the chaotic scene, as if to tell myself, ‘I will return when I’m ready.’
Looking back, I wish I had kept my white coat on, even if just to care with a tear, heal with a kind word, and pray for the well-being of my neighbors.
Photo Credit: Alex Proimos
“My mother says I’m a piece of shit.” My 18-year old patient sits at the head of a conference table, her face stony with resolve. The members of her care team are surrounding her. She asks, “Why do you all care about me when I don’t even care about myself? That’s just weird.” Her resolve crumbles and tears begin rolling down her cheeks.
The attending physician stares at her before responding. “We don’t know you,” she says. “But we do care about you. You’re right-it’s a weird concept.”
It took this exchange-during my final year of medical school-for me to fully grasp the unusual nature of the empathy that we have for our patients. As medical students, most of us have described ourselves as empathetic or compassionate at some point. But I’ll wager that most of what we know about empathy comes from close relationships, be they with friends, family members, or even repeat clinic patients. It’s not difficult to understand how these established relationships could be colored with empathy. After all, these are relationships that we usually choose to have, or at least, choose to continue having, and in many cases, they’re relationships of mutual benefit.
As medical students, much of our experience is gained on the inpatient units in the hospital, with patients who are thrust into our service. While it is possible that the relationships we have with those who are closest to us serve as templates for empathy, the relationships that we develop with our hospitalized patients are different in several ways. First, we do not choose these relationships. Generally, patients are assigned to us regardless of our desire to have them as patients. Part of being a physician in training implies consent to treat patients. Another reason why our relationships with patients are unique is that we rarely can choose to terminate a relationship with a patient who we are treating. Finally, the relationship between the hospitalized patient and the doctor is not mutual. Hospitalized patients cannot and should not offer any direct benefits to their treatment team. My relationship to this 18-year old patient fit all the aforementioned parameters: I did not choose her as my patient, I could not stop my service to her, and I enjoyed no direct benefit from her as my patient. And yet, even accepting the above as true, even recognizing that I had only known this person for 48 hours at the time of this discussion, my empathy for her was not any less genuine than my empathy for my best friend or closest family member.
Does being a physician mean that we are forced to have empathy for near-complete strangers? Or does it mean that the people who choose this profession are characterized by an ability to freely give empathy to those who cross our path?
Interestingly, the word “empathy” did not reach the English language until 1909. Derived from the German word “einfuhlung” (or “feeling into”), it has been a continually enigmatic concept that has eluded any simplistic definition. Philosophers have described empathy as a central emotive descriptor that characterizes the feeling one has when they recognize the human spirit in another.[1] Even neuroscientists have taken up the job of trying to define empathy, noting that mirror neurons, which are neurons that fire when one living creature acts and then observes the same action in another living creature, may play a role in the development of empathy.[2]
Reflecting on my patient’s remarks has given me serious cause to contemplate what empathy means to me as a soon-to-be physician. While I can speak only for myself, I think the thing that makes me different is not my capacity to give empathy, but my desire to foster relationships with my patients. Even though my relationship with that patient may have been only days old, the quality of that relationship and therefore my ability to feel empathetic towards her, is a direct reflection of my desire to have that relationship. While I did not choose the patient, I chose to get up that day and practice medicine, and empathetic medicine is the only kind of medicine I know how to practice.
[1] https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/empathy/
[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18793090
Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee
This city is so peaceful. As the bikes whiz by, I notice the absence of the cacophony and polluting fumes of traffic. I’m walking down the sidewalk in brown leather shoes and a tucked-in dress shirt while eating bougie gelato. I love gelato. I look up and notice the blue sky. It’s a deep blue and the clouds have distinct borders. I’m in Salzburg, Austria for a conference and I’m loving this city. Just as I marvel at the clean streets and begrudge the abundance of luxury vehicles, I turn the corner and see my sister on the floor asking for money. I immediately cross the street and reach in my pocket to hand her the change I received at the gelato stand. My sister is donning the flag of Islam on her head and I greet her with the anthem of Islam, a greeting of peace. She smiles and says, “Allah yijzeek al-khayr” – God reward you with the good. As I walk away, I smile at the beauty and seamlessness of our interaction.
I continue walking back to the conference hall. I review my rehearsed words as I finish my gelato. My presentation is on the data I generated regarding the controversial use of bisphosphonate anti-resorptives in the setting of chronic kidney disease mineral bone disorder. The nephrologists in the crowd won’t be too thrilled. In my head, I am considering all the different questions I could be asked, when I see another of my friends on the corner of an intersection. As I approach him, he brings his hands together and bows his head. When he raises his head again, I smile at him. I don’t have any more change so I reach into my pocket and hand him 5 euros. He has a cup in front of him, but I decide to hand him the money. I think this might make the money more of a gift than a charity. I can see hurt in his eyes as he tries to find a way to thank me. Reaching out I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze, pointing up with my other hand, trying to tell him that I will pray for him. While my hand is on his shoulder, he turns his neck and kisses my hand. I say, “No, no!” and withdraw my hand. I feel ashamed. I know I should be the one kissing his hand for accepting my miserly gift of 5 euros while knowing full-well that I have another 10 laying comfortably in my pocket. Ten euros that I will, over the next couple hours, undoubtedly spend on a sacherwurfel from the bakery next to my fancy hotel and then on another helping of overpriced gelato.
Lost in my thoughts of embarrassment, I begin to walk away, and as I do, he yells in German, “Guter mann!” – good man. Halfway across the street, I think to myself, I may not be a good man, but I have the opportunity to try, and so I turn back around.
Ten euros was all the money that I had left on me. But 10 euros was all it cost to earn the respect and love of a man I had only met minutes ago. Excitedly, the man begins to talk to me in German. His name is Damien. (We spend a good 5 minutes on my name. I would say, ‘Mo-ham-mad’, and he would then repeat after me, ‘No-han-nam’). Damien is a father of 3 kids. He was doing well for his family until his wife lost her vision. He said, “Now my heart is still good, but children’s stomachs are empty, so my hand is outstretched.”
I notice the tears in my eyes. I had never heard German spoken before, and I shouldn’t know what he’s saying to me, but I understood every word. Home is where the heart is, and this man is my neighbor. As I leave Damien for the second time, I point up again and then turn my palms up to the Heavens in prayer. He says, “Allah.” And I repeat, “Allah.”
On my second day in Salzburg, I take the long way to the conference center, hoping to run into my friend Damien. I turn the corner and there he is, sitting at the end of the block. My stride lengthens and my steps quicken. As I approach him, I see him leaning left and right, squinting his eyes; he’s trying to see if it’s me. He leaves his corner and yells, “Nohannam!!” while jogging towards me and we embrace each other as brothers and lifelong friends. And as my neighbor and friend embraces me, I realize I may not be a good man, but Damien is willing to show me how to become one.
Photo Credit: Sam Rodgers
A mother separated from her missing husband flees a war-torn country, her homeland, to provide a brighter future for her children. She’s a dentist by training and practiced dentistry back home; but here, here she’s cleaning homes for a living. Why? When she left her home with her four children by her side, headed to a safer place, to America, what was in her suitcase? Alongside the picture of her missing husband and the few possessions that remained after the destruction of her home, in her suitcase, she has hopes and dreams, fears and doubts. She looks to her children for strength, but she’s terrified every time she looks them in their eyes. She is not optimistic, but she is hopeful; she looks the odds straight in the face and proceeds anyway. Because hope is not logical, it is powerful.
She’s cleaning the home of a happy family; the father is an engineer and the mother is a doctor and the children play piano. Their life, their hopes, goals and dreams are dependent on the stability of their country, but they cannot see it. The same hands that used to place crowns to relieve the pain of the suffering are now scrubbing the floor of another woman’s bathroom. But hope is powerful, and she lives through the dreams of her children. Two of her daughters want to be doctors. Her third daughter wants to be an artist. Her son is eight and he loves math. In her suitcase, she brought with her the dream of a better education for her children. “In Syria, we ate grass. In Egypt, we didn’t have food. In Indiana, I love school.” These are the words of her eight-year-old son.
A man runs to catch the bus. He can’t miss the interview; he really needs this job. It is his third interview in as many days. His last job got him enough money to get his family off the streets for a couple weeks. But motels are more expensive than he ever imagined. He’s homeless. His family is homeless. This wasn’t a possibility he considered when he graduated with his MBA. He had a great job, but the hurricane took everything away. And he hasn’t been able to get back on his feet. He catches the bus and pays the $1.75 in quarters. He checks the email that he printed; the interview is in room 4015. He runs up the stairs; he really hates being late. As he enters his interviewer’s room, a bead of sweat runs down his forehead. What’s in that bead of sweat? Desperation and nervousness, humiliation and self-pity, purpose and resilience.
His interviewer gives him the job offer. He smiles and shakes his head. A tear runs down his face. He can’t take the job; he can’t manage the branch that makes most of its revenue through alcohol sales. Another day and another interview, but his family remains homeless. He needs the job, but rejecting the offer was an easy decision. He believes that although alcohol may have small benefits to people and society, the harm it causes is much larger than its benefits, and wants to play no part in its distribution; he will not be a co-creator in the intoxication of his neighbor’s mind.
A young woman sinks into herself on the examination table. Her husband is holding, squeezing her hand. The doctor is still talking. He looks very sympathetic. The young woman just learned that she has a cancer growing inside of her lungs, an aggressive cancer. The doctor thinks ‘we can fight it.’ The young woman’s mind is overwhelmed into quietness. All she can think about is her daughter’s play after school that she doesn’t want to miss, even for this. The doctor brings her back, ‘Do you feel comfortable about our next step? I think that’s the best place for us to start.’ The young woman shrugs. What is in that shrug? Fear and uncertainty, peace and tranquility, ambivalence, a need for normalcy, a desire for time to make meaning.
The young woman is herself a physician, trained and licensed as a radiologist. She knows enough about cancer and the late stage non-small cell lung cancer she has been diagnosed with to know that the longevity of her future has been called into question. And yet this is not the topic of discussion with the doctor. Instead, he discusses treatment options, which is fancy talk for a long list of big words in different orders and combinations. When asked about the next step, she shrugged. She shrugged because there didn’t seem to be room for her in that room. (Insert young woman with terminal cancer here). Although it is more comfortable for the doctor to rattle off treatment options, the patient wants to take time to acknowledge the inexorability of our life cycle. To the doctor, it was the end of a beginning, and they were, together, supposed to begin a new chapter of strength and resilience. While he rattled off treatment options, she just wanted to catch her daughter’s play after school, and she was running late.
In the words of HL Menken, ‘For every human problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.’ Without taking a moment to explore what’s inside the immigrant’s suitcase, the homeless man’s bead of sweat, the sick young woman’s shrug, we stand a sorry chance to witness, help, and learn from ordinary people with the will to do extraordinary things. This is the power of narratives; the power of listening. I call myself to look inside the suitcase, to investigate the bead of sweat, and to ask about the shrug; I call myself to listen.
I find myself in an imperfect world, full of injustice and oppression. I find myself an imperfect man perfectly given the ability to alleviate suffering, on a personal level with a smile or a hug, and on a larger scale by fighting injustice and refusing to stand idly in the face of oppression. Poverty belongs in a history museum. And hunger…we have enough food in the world for every member of the human family to eat a balanced 3000 calorie meal. When we eliminate poverty and hunger, there will be many other injustices for us to face. I want to make facing these injustices my mission. My mission is to be ‘human’ as best I can; to work to establish justice in any capacity that I can, from a generously given smile to an honest political campaign.
Photo Credit: Robot Brainz
I walked up to my dad and said, “Baba, there’s something wrong with me”. I was probably around 8 years old at the time. He looked concerned and prompted me to tell him more. I said, “I cry a lot. About everything. And my brother and friends make fun of me.” He then smiled and, through his smile, said words that will stay with me forever. “Don’t worry Mohammad. It’s a sign of a soft and warm heart. Your special mission is to travel through this life and keep your same soft heart.”
Fast forward 10 years to my second year of medical training. I remember entering a patient’s room as a part of our Introduction to Clinical Medicine course. Moon face. Truncal obesity. Buffalo hump. Abdominal striae. Hirtuism. I was like a child with a fulfilled Eid gift wish list! Here I was, celebrating my ability to recognize the quite obvious presentation of Cushing’s syndrome, oblivious to the very real and detrimental complications of Cushing’s syndrome and the emotional toll that these symptoms must be having on this young woman. She entered the room to receive care, and I entered the same room so focused on my ability to produce a differential diagnosis that I failed her and myself; I failed to show her the compassion that fuels my love for medicine. My inability to see past the mere facts of her presentation left me in a poor position to honor my mission. Fueled by the tears of a child, I cried.
Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski
Valentine’s Day is not typically kind to medical students. While many couples share flowers and romantic dinners, my fiancé and I looked forward to escaping the hospital just long enough to exchange sweet-nothings over take-out sandwiches. Though lacking in outward displays of affection, this Valentine’s Day was imbued with something different. A few weeks ago, a patient taught me that love, it turns out, can exalt us and confound us, but it can also, literally, break our hearts.
He was a thin man in his late seventies, a mop of unruly gray hair on his head. He came into the emergency room one evening, unable to catch his breath and complaining of severe chest pain. An EKG was rapidly obtained and showed concerning peaks and valleys of electrical activity. Troponin levels were rapidly increasing in his blood. TC, it appeared, was having a heart attack.
Though still in the early stages of my medical training, I knew what would come next. In rapid succession, TC would be rushed to the cardiac catheterization lab, and a stent would be placed in his coronary arteries, restoring desperately needed blood flow to his heart. He would recover. His loving wife and adult children would visit him in the hospital. In a few days he would return home.
I was wrong. Try as they might, TC’s doctors were unable to find any blocked arteries in his heart. With nothing to stent open, TC was admitted to the medicine ward for careful observation. Miraculously, his condition stabilized.
The next morning he was feeling better. Not wanting to forego his calisthenics, I found him walking along the bustling hospital corridor, pausing briefly outside each room to greet his fellow patients. As I corralled him back to his room for morning rounds, I couldn’t help but notice the gold wedding ring hanging from a length of frayed twine around his neck. He caught my gaze and smiled, “pretty, isn’t it?”
Lowering himself carefully to his bed, he explained why he no longer wore the ring on his finger. His wife, he lingered on the word, had died almost three months ago. His children, long since grown, had come home for a while, but were now back to their own lives. He’d considered moving into a smaller place—less lonely he figured—but he couldn’t bear the thought of discarding any of her things.
Later that day, TC went for an echocardiogram which immediately revealed his diagnosis.
He had Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as “broken heart syndrome.” It is a rare condition, but strikes most commonly after a period of great emotional turmoil. Marked by chest pain and shortness of breath, the initial presentation is not at all dissimilar to a heart attack, so committed in its mimicry that the EKG and blood findings are often identical.
Although the pathogenesis of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is not completely understood, it is postulated that adrenaline, released in times of great emotional distress, may overwhelm and eventually damage the heart. With enough damage, the heart breaks, contorting itself into a characteristic shape—wide at the bottom with a distinctively narrow neck. The shape resembles a Japanese takotsubo pot, a vessel historically used to trap octopus.
As a trainee in the field of medicine, my classroom preparation taught me to be objective—to plumb the pertinent facts of a patient’s history and physical exam in order to provide effective treatment. But it is patients like TC who teach me that good doctoring requires something more. Though less tangible, it is clear that one’s physical and emotional well-being are inextricably linked.
Several days later, heart ostensibly healed, TC was ready to return home. He stepped into the elevator, turned, and waved goodbye. A gold ring shone brightly on his finger.
Photo credit: Chandrahadi Junarto